All my life, my parents told me that I was the best at everything. Music, school, social life, etc. As time went on, I started to realize that I was not as special as they painted me out to be. At a young age, I started to see that people overshadowed me in many aspects of my life. I constantly saw my friends achieve so many things that I was able to do, but never took up. I started digging a hole for myself, and started going deeper. I started to doubt myself, I started to ask myself “Why am I not good enough for anything?” In result to my own self doubt, I developed depression and that heavily impacted my learning. I would put in no effort in my work, sometimes, I would not even do my work. It was like, I had nothing to work for. Nothing to feel proud about. Because all my work would be overshadowed by someone else.
When junior year came around, I was at my worst. I was constantly thinking about disappearing, going away. The only reason I worked was because I wanted to make my parents proud, because the one thing that I was scared of was failing. Second semester came along and all I was filled with was fear. Constant tests and assignments that I could never work on because I was too busy contemplating my imperfections. All I thought about was fear, sadness and isolation. I was lost, burnt out and confused. As the semester went along, the worse I did in school. My grades started to plummet and all I could think about was my own failure as a student. I felt like I had nothing to work for, no one to please. At that moment, people started to care about my own health more than I did, it felt like they wanted me to succeed. That is when I knew that I should strive to be better, and to work as hard as I can. To please the people around me. To make it worth their time to actually care about me. |